The Gottman Institute takes a research-based approach to love and relationships. Their years or research lays the foundation for relationship therapists around the world. Married for over 30 years themselves, they use both their research and their own experiences to decipher 8 questions that cover the topics of trust and commitment, conflict, sex, money, family, fun and adventure, growth and spirituality and dreams. There’s a reason why their institution, reputable “love labs” and books are infamous: The authors of Eight dates are experts that know how to present their research in a way that resonates with the masses. In highly recommending this gem of a book for a second time on record, here are 5 quick lessons and book quotes from the book of the week : Eight Dates : Essential conversations for a lifetime of love.
While the expectations for marriage and partnership have never been higher, and the challenges have never been greater, it isn’t a coin toss.Eight Dates – Essential Conversations for a lifetime Of love
1 – Love and real connection is very possible.
In the Age of “no new friends” – Drake “Break up with your girlfriend, I’m bored” – Ariana Grande or hookup sites like Tinder, Grindr it seems hopeless and unlikely to fall in real love. You know the kind I’m referring to, the can’t eat, can’t sleep, you know the world series kind of love. With over 40 years of Research, Eight Dates basically offers a template (a series of questions) that can be ask to deepen relationships and help people “win” at love (so to speak). Forever Alone is no longer an issue here, there’s a way out of loneliness, and the pages of these books show you a map. It’s science.
The divorce rate all over the world is over 50% In some countries, like Portugal its 75%.Eight Dates – Essential Conversations for a lifetime Of love
2 – You can stay in love forever, despite the high divorce rates!
Infatuation gets a bad reputation. The truth is, new love (say 2 weeks old) and experienced love (say 50 years married) doesn’t have to change for the worse. It can, and will change for the better but couples have to do the work to get it there. The Gottman institute’s website offers an enormous amount of free resources available for those who want to jumpstart their union. Your marriage isn’t doomed, if you’re feeling bored, or stale, that can change! Eight Dates offers the questions for a happy long-lasting relationship, but if you’re past the point of being able to apply this and need a complete “revive” of your relationship, then get it! Go see a therapist, go visit their website. Remember, if you think it’s “too much work” then maybe deep inside you know that you’re with the wrong partner. Love is hope, even when it’s hopeless.
When conflict comes, as it inevitably does when we weave two lives together, it’s our commitment to being curious rather than correct that allows us to turn toward, instead of away from one another in moments of disagreement.Eight Dates – Essential Conversations for a lifetime Of love
3 – Be more curious.
Eight dates offer excellent reminders of simple truths such as: Don’t assume you know someone today just because you’ve shared a bed with them last night. Taking your spouse for granted starts with losing your curiosity for them, and assuming you know them fully. Firstly, knowing and truly understanding anyone is impossible, which is a good thing! This allows you space to continue to learn about each other endlessly, playfully and flirtatiously. The Eight Dates provides readers with a framework involving open-ended questions that help deepen a connection between two people and reignite that curiosity that is basically a fire-starter for passion and intimacy. It’s a win-win-win. Give yourself time to get curious, the book is called Eight Dates, but the authors stress the important of going on dates FOREVER, they want you to go on dates when you’re 95 years old. Give yourselves the time and space to remain curious, give yourself the time and space to ask these (and other) open ended questions to your partner, and this will in turn give your love the space to grow far beyond what you’ve ever imagine.
You can’t be in a relationship and not have conflict if you’re doing it right. Life always shows up with all of its stresses, strains and crises, and how you manage them together can make or break your relationship.Eight Dates – Essential Conversations for a lifetime Of love
5 – Happily ever after doesn’t mean conflict free.
Perfection is a myth. I must be a broken record considering how often I say that, but it’s true. If something is perfect, then it’s probably wrong because perfection doesn’t actually exist. There is always the potential for better in EVERY SINGLE situation. Conflicts are inevitable, especially if you’re in a healthy relationship where nobody is afraid to vocalize their truths. Eight Dates isn’t propaganda, it isn’t trying to sell you the product of true love like a Disney Princess movie franchise, they talk about the conflicts, the grumpy days, the silent treatments, the shouting, the resentment, they talk about ALL OF IT. We are emotional beings after all, it’s our ability to deeply feel negative emotions that allow us to feel the positive ones just as deeply. We can’t “Stepford wives” our way into a better marriage. We can’t love someone into loving us, all we can do is be real with ourselves, even when we’re not feeling it, and continue to stay open, curious and responsive with each other.
There you have it! Thanks so much for reading.
As usual, 5 quick quotes and lessons barely scratches the surface. Out of respect and love for the authors and reading in general, I deliberately don’t spoil books, so please do read it. I wonder how many more lessons you will find in the book yourself.
The book is currenly on sale at a special price as well! Just in time for valentines day next week! Do yourself a favor, and read this book (even if you skip through to the question parts!)